Baby and Body Part 1

CW: Pregnancy, Pregnancy Loss, Pregnancy After Loss

As I’ve mentioned in my blogs and other places, I am a mom.  I have two kids that are preschool age, and then I am currently pregnant with another baby boy.  I have also had three early pregnancy losses.  

All of those pregnancies have led my body through A LOT of change.  A LOT is actually an understatement for how I feel like my body has changed since being pregnant.  

Not to get too into the details that might weird some people out, but, other people have literally lived inside of me.  They’ve become a living being, grown and developed, and turned into a person all inside of my body.  That is so incredibly miraculous and also so totally weird! 

When I got pregnant with my first child, my daughter, Lizzie, I was 30 years old, and I had been married for six months to my husband.  I had just started exercising regularly really for the first time in my adult life, and I was doing Olympic Weightlifting and really learning that my body was strong and capable for the first time ever.  I felt good in my own skin for the first time ever.  I was in a period of self-discovery with my body and true reconciliation with it.  

After she was born, I dealt with postpartum anxiety and depression and my IUD failed and I became pregnant when Lizzie was three month old.  

I didn’t have time to get to know this new body that I had after it had grown a person.  Mostly because I was now caring for that person and growing another new person.  And after that, I had two new people to care for, so even less time.

I didn’t take care of myself.  Instead I pushed myself to new levels of exhaustion with two young children and multiple jobs.  And instead of fueling my body and taking care of it, I deprived it of the food and nutrients I needed and I began to feel the effects of it.

In May of 2019 I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant yet again, and while I didn’t know how we were going to add one more person to our already busy and unmanageable life, I was excited and already loved this growing life.  In July of 2019, I lost that little life.  And over the next few months, I lost two more.  Instead of taking the time to listen to my body I resented it.  I blamed it for the losses, and I only put more distance between myself and it.  

In November of 2020 I found out that I was pregnant with our first totally planned baby!  It’s been a journey.  Pregnancy after loss has been weird. On one hand I’m extremely hopeful, and on the other I’m scared out of my mind at every little twinge and possible thing that could go wrong. 

My pregnancy and motherhood journey is still young, but the ways in which it has had me in awe of my body and at odds with my body has been both inspiring and challenging. My body is miraculous and strong, and it deserves to be listened to and treated well.  

Over the next few weeks I plan to be writing and sharing more about motherhood and body.  If you’d like to hear more about my own story please subscribe to my email list so you can stay up on everything that’s going on at Holy Nourished.